Chapter 9. Queen Alice

‘Well, this is great!’ said Alice. ‘I never thought I would be a Queen so soon… and I’ll tell you, your majesty,’ she said to herself, ‘you shouldn’t lie on the grass like that!’

So she got up and walked about. She was afraid that the crown could fall off.

‘But if I am really a Queen…’ she began.

Everything happened so strangely that she didn’t even surprise when she saw the Red Queen and the White Queen, who were sitting close to her, one on each side. She wanted to ask them how they came there, but then she thought it would not be polite. However, she thought she should ask if the game was over. ‘Please, would you tell me… ’ she began, looking at the Red Queen.

‘Speak when somebody speaks to you!’ The Queen interrupted her.

‘But if everybody obeyed that rule,’ said Alice, ‘and if you only spoke when somebody spoke to you, and the other person always waited that you would begin, nobody would say anything!’

‘Don’t you understand, child… ’ cried the Red Queen, but then she stopped, thought a bit and suddenly changed the subject of the conversation.

‘What right have you to call yourself a Queen? You can’t be a Queen, till you’ve passed the examination. And the sooner we begin it, the better. Always speak the truth… think before you speak… and write it down!’

There was then an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two. Finally the Red Queen said to the White Queen, ‘I invite you to Alice’s dinner-party this afternoon.’

The White Queen smiled and said ‘And I invite you.’

‘I didn’t know I have a party at all,’ said Alice; ‘but if it’s true, I think I should invite the guests.’

‘Now you can do it,’ the Red Queen said: ‘but I think you haven’t had many lessons in manners.’

‘Lessons don’t teach you manners,’ said Alice. ‘Lessons teach you to do sums and so on.’

‘And do you know how to do Addition?’ the White Queen asked. ‘What’s one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Alice. ‘I lost count.’

‘She can’t do Addition,’ the Red Queen interrupted. ‘Can you do Subtraction? Take nine from eight.’

‘I can’t,’ Alice said: ‘but… ’

‘She can’t do Subtraction,’ said the White Queen.

‘Can you do Division? Divide a loaf by a knife… what’s the answer?’

‘I think… ’ Alice began, but the Red Queen already answered. ‘Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog: what remains?’

Alice thought a bit. ‘The bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I took it… and the dog wouldn’t remain; it would run to bite me… and I wouldn’t remain!’

‘Then you think nothing would remain?’ said the Red Queen.

‘I think that’s the answer.’

‘Wrong, as usual,’ said the Red Queen: ‘the dog’s temper would remain.’

‘But I don’t understand…’

‘Look here!’ the Red Queen cried. ‘The dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it?’

‘Perhaps it would,’ Alice said.

‘Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!’ the Queen cried.

‘And if it went away too?’ asked Alice. But she thought to herself all the time, ‘What nonsense we are talking!’

‘She can’t do sums at all!’ the Queens said together.

‘Can you do sums?’ Alice said and turned suddenly to the White Queen.

The Queen shut her eyes. ‘I can do Addition if you give me time…’

‘Of course, you know your ABC?’ said the Red Queen.

‘I do,’ said Alice.

‘So do I,’ the White Queen whispered: ‘we’ll learn it together, dear. And I’ll tell you a secret… I can read words of one letter! Isn’t that great? Don’t worry, you’ll learn it some day!’

Here the Red Queen began again. ‘Can you answer useful questions?’ she said. ‘How is bread made?’

‘I know that!’ Alice cried. ‘You take some flour…’

‘Where can you take the flower?’ the White Queen asked. ‘In a garden, or in the hedges?’

‘You don’t understand,’ Alice explained: ‘it’s ground… ’

‘How many acres of ground?’ said the White Queen.

‘Fan her head!’ the Red Queen interrupted. ‘She’ll be hot!’ So they fanned her with leaves, till she had to ask them to stop.

‘She’s all right again,’ said the Red Queen. ‘Do you know Languages? What’s the French for fiddle-de-dee?’

‘Fiddle-de-dee’s not English,’ Alice said.

‘I didn’t say it,’ said the Red Queen.

‘If you’ll tell me what language “fiddle-de-dee” is, I’ll tell you the French for it!’ Alice said.

‘Don’t let us quarrel,’ the White Queen said. ‘What is the cause of lightning?’

‘The cause of lightning…’ Alice said, ‘is the thunder… no, no!’ she corrected herself. ‘The other way.’

‘It’s too late to correct it,’ said the Red Queen.

‘Oh, we had such a thunderstom last Tuesday,’ the White Queen said, she was very nervous, ‘I mean last Tuesdays.’

Alice was puzzled.

‘In our country,’ she said, ‘we have only one day at a time.’

The Red Queen said, ‘Now here, we have days and nights two or three at a time, and sometimes in the winter we have five nights together… for warmth, you know.’

‘It’s like a riddle with no answer!’ Alice thought.

Here the White Queen began again. ‘It was such a thunderstorm, you can’t imagine! And part of the roof came off, and thunder got in… and it went rolling round the room… and knocking over the tables and things… I was so frightened, I couldn’t remember my own name!’

‘Your Majesty must excuse her,’ the Red Queen said to Alice, she took one of the White Queen’s hand in her own and gently stroked it: ‘she is good, but she always says foolish things.’

The White Queen looked at Alice in a shy way. Alice felt she should say something kind, but couldn’t think of anything at the moment.

‘It’s amazing how good she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she’ll be!’ the Red Queen went on.

Suddenly the White Queen laid her head on Alice’s shoulder. ‘I am so sleepy,’ she said.

‘She’s tired, poor thing!’ said the Red Queen. ‘Give her your nightcap and sing her a lullaby.’

‘I haven’t got a nightcap with me,’ said Alice: ‘and I don’t know any lullabies.”

‘I must do it myself, then,’ said the Red Queen, and she began:

 

‘Hush-a-by lady, in Alices lap!

Till the feast’s ready, we ve time for a nap.’

When the feast’s over, we’ll go to the ball —

Red Queen, and White Queen, and Alice, and all!

 

‘Now you know the words,’ she added and put her head down on Alice’s other shoulder, ‘just sing it. I’m sleepy, too.’ In another moment both Queens were asleep, and snoring loud.

‘What should I do? said Alice, ‘I don’t think it happened before, that any one had to take care of two Queens asleep at once! No… it couldn’t, you know, because there was never more than one Queen at a time. Wake up, you heavy things!’ she went on, but there was no answer but a gentle snoring.

Suddenly the two Queens disappeared, and Alice saw that she was standing before the door over which were the words “QUEEN ALICE” in large letters, and on each side there was a bell-handle; one was marked ‘Visitors’ Bell,’ and the other ‘Servants’ Bell.’

‘Which bell should I ring?’ she said. ‘I’m not a visitor, and I’m not a servant. There should be one, marked “Queen”.’

Just then the door opened, and a creature with a long beak put its head out for a moment and said ‘No entry till the next week!’ and shut the door.

Alice knocked and rang for a long time, but at last, a very old Frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and came slowly to her. He was dressed in bright yellow, and had large boots.

‘What is it?’ the Frog whispered.

Alice turned round. ‘Where’s the servant who answers the door?’ she began angrily.

‘Which door?’ said the Frog.

‘This door, of course!’ Alice said.

The Frog looked at the door with his large dull eyes for a minute: then he went nearer, then he looked at Alice.

‘To answer the door?’ he said. ‘Who asks it?’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she said.

‘I talk English, don’t I?’ the Frog went on. ‘Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?’

‘Nothing!’ Alice said. ‘I’ve knocked at it!’

‘You shouldn’t do that…’ the Frog said. Then he went up and kicked the door with one of his great feet. ‘Let it alone,’ he said, ‘and it’ll let you alone.’

At this moment the door opened, and Alice heard a song:

 

‘To the Looking-Glass world it was Alice that said,

“I’ve a sceptre in hand,

I’ve a crown on my head;

Let the Looking-Glass creatures, whatever they be,

Come and dine with the Red Queen, the White Queen, and me.”’

‘Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,

And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran.’

Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea —

And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-three!’

 

Alice thought to herself ‘Thirty times three makes ninety. Can anybody count here? I think I’ll go in.’ There was silence when she appeared.

Alice walked into a large hall with a table and noticed that there were about fifty guests. Some were animals, some birds, and there were even a few flowers among them. ‘I’m glad they’ve come without invitation,’ she thought: ‘I didn’t know who to invite!’

There were three chairs at the head of the table. The Red and White Queens had already taken two of them, but the middle chair was empty. Alice sat down in silence.

At last the Red Queen began. ‘You’ve missed the soup and fish,’ she said. ‘Bring the meat!’ And the waiters brought a leg of mutton. Alice looked very nervous, because she had never carved mutton leg before.

‘You look shy; let me introduce you to that leg of mutton,’ said the Red Queen. ‘Alice – Mutton; Mutton – Alice.’ The leg of mutton got up in the dish and bowed to Alice. And she bowed too, she didn’t know whether she should be frightened or amused.

‘May I give you a slice?’ Alice said and took the knife and fork. She looked from one Queen to the other.

‘Certainly not,’ the Red Queen: ‘it isn’t polite to cut any one so soon after you’ve been introduced. Remove the mutton leg’

The waiters removed it and brought a large plum-pudding.

‘I don’t want to be introduced to the pudding, please,’ Alice said, ‘May I give you some?’

But the Red Queen looked angrily and cried ‘Pudding – Alice; Alice – Pudding. Remove the pudding!’ and the waiters took it very quickly.

‘The Red Queen is the only one who gives orders!’ thought Alice to herself. As an experiment, she called ‘Waiter! Bring back the pudding!’ and here it was again. It was so large that she felt really a little shy with it. However, she cut a slice and handed it to the Red Queen.

‘How rude!’ cried the Pudding. ‘I wonder how you’d like it, if I cut a slice out of you, you creature!’

Alice was so amazed that she couldn’t say a word: she could only sit and look at it.

‘Say something,’ said the Red Queen: ‘The pudding speaks and you don’t!’

‘Do you know, I’ve heard a lot poetry today…’ Alice began. Everybody stopped talking and looked at her. ‘And it’s very curious, I think… every poem was about fish. Why do they like fish so much?’

‘As for fishes,’ the Red Queen put her mouth close to Alice’s ear, ‘her White Majesty knows a nice riddle… about fish. May she repeat it?’

‘Her Red Majesty’s very kind,’ the White Queen said into Alice’s other ear. ‘It would be great! May I?’

‘Please do,’ Alice said very politely.

The White Queen laughed and stroked Alice’s cheek. Then she began:

 

‘First, the fish must be caught.’

That is easy: a baby, I think, could have caught it.

‘Next, the fish must be bought.’

That is easy: a penny, I think, would have bought it.

 

 

‘Now cook me the fish! ’

That is easy and will not take more than a minute.

‘Let it lie in a dish!’

That is easy, because it already is in it.

 

 

‘Bring it here! Let me sup!’

It is easy to set such a dish on the table.

‘Take the dish-cover up!’

Ah, that is so hard that I fear I’m unable!

 

 

For it holds it like glue —

Holds the lid to the dish, while it lies in the middle:

Which is easiest to do,

Un-dish-cover the fish, or dishcover the riddle?’

 

‘Take a minute to think about it, and then guess,’ said the Red Queen.

‘Now we’ll drink your health… Queen Alice’s health!’ she cried and all the guests began drinking. Some of them put their glasses on their heads and drank all that went down their faces. Others broke the glasses and drank the wine from the table.

‘Just like pigs!’ thought Alice.

‘You should thank them,’ the Red Queen said, looking at Alice.

‘We’ll help you,’ the White Queen whispered.

Alice got up but was a little frightened.

‘Thank you very much,’ she whispered, ‘but I can do it well without your help.’

‘It wouldn’t be the same thing,’ the Red Queen said.

‘I rise to thank you…’ Alice began. And she really rose when she spoke, several inches. But she caught the edge of the table, and pull herself down.

‘Take care of yourself!’ cried the White Queen and caught Alice’s hair with both her hands. ‘Something’s going to happen!’

And then (as Alice afterwards described it) all sorts of things happened in a moment. The candles grew up to the ceiling. The bottles took a pair of plates just like wings, and with forks for legs, ran in all directions.

‘Look like birds,’ Alice thought to herself.

At this moment she heard a laugh. She turned and saw that instead of the White Queen, there was the leg of mutton. It was sitting in her chair.

‘Here I am!’ cried a voice. And Alice turned again and saw the White Queen’s kind face in the soup, she smiled and disappeared.

Several guests were lying down in the dishes, and the soup spoon was walking towards Alice’s chair.

‘I can’t stand this any longer!’ she cried. She jumped up and took the table-cloth with both hands. One good pull, and plates, dishes, guests, and candles fell down together on the floor.

‘And as for you…’ she turned to the Red Queen, but the Queen was no longer in her chair. She turned into a little doll, and was now running round and round on the table.

Alice wasn’t surprised at all.

‘As for you,’ she repeated and caught the little creature, ‘I’ll punish you like a kitten!’