Chapter 7. The Lion and the Unicorn

The next moment soldiers came running through the wood. Soon they filled the whole forest. Alice hid behind a tree and watched them.

She thought that in all her life she had never seen soldiers so uncertain on their feet: whenever one went down, several more always fell over him, so that the ground was soon covered with soldiers.

Then came the horses. They had four feet, but however they fell too. And Alice was very glad when she got out of the wood. There she found the White King. He was sitting on the ground and writing something in his note-book.

‘I’ve sent them all!’ the King cried when he saw Alice. ‘Did you meet any soldiers, my dear, when you came through the wood?’

‘Yes, I did,’ said Alice: ‘several thousand, I think.’

‘Four thousand two hundred and seven, that’s the exact number,’ the King said. ‘I couldn’t send all the horses, because two of them are in the game. And I haven’t sent the two Messengers. They’re both in the town. Just look and tell me if you can see them.’

‘I see nobody on the road,’ said Alice.

‘I only wish I had such eyes,’ the King said. ‘To see Nobody! And at that distance!’

Alice was still looking along the road. ‘I see somebody now!’ she said at last. ‘But he’s coming very slowly… and how funny he goes!’ (The messenger was wriggling like an eel, as he came along, he raised his great hands like fans on each side.)

‘Not at all,’ said the King. ‘He only does it when he’s happy. His name is Haigha. The other Messenger’s name is Hatta. I must have two… to come and go. Once to come, and one to go.’

‘I beg your pardon?’ said Alice.

‘You don’t have to beg it,’ said the King.

‘I meant that I didn’t understand,’ said Alice. ‘Why one to come and one to go?’

‘Don’t I tell you?’ the King repeated. ‘I must have two…’

At this moment the Messenger arrived: he was out of breath and couldn’t say a word. He could only wave his hands and make the fearful faces at the poor King.

‘You frighten me!’ said the King. ‘I feel bad… Give me a ham sandwich!’

Alice was very much amused, because the Messenger opened a bag and handed a sandwich to the King. And he ate it greedily.

‘Another sandwich!’ said the King.

‘I have only hay…,’ the Messenger said, looking into the bag.

‘Hay, then,’ the King said. ‘There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re feeling bad,’ he said to Alice.

‘Who did you meet on the road?’ the King went on.

‘Nobody,’ said the Messenger.

‘Quite right,’ said the King: ‘this young lady saw him too. So Nobody walks slower than you.’

‘I do my best,’ the Messenger said. ‘I’m sure nobody walks much faster than I do!’

‘He can’t do that,’ said the King, ‘However, now you can tell us what has happened in the town.’

‘I’ll whisper it,’ said the Messenger. He got close to the King’s ear. Alice was sorry for this, because she wanted to hear the news too. However, instead of whispering, he shouted: ‘They’re doing it again!’

‘Who are doing it again?’ she asked.

‘The Lion and the Unicorn, of course,’ said the King.

‘Fighting for the crown?’

‘Yes,’ said the King: ‘and the joke is, that it’s my crown! Let’s run and watch them.’

And they ran, Alice repeated to herself, as she ran, the words of the old song:

 

‘The Lion and the Unicorn

were fighting for the crown

The Lion beat the Unicorn

all around the town.

Some gave them white bread,

and some gave them brown;

Some gave them plum cake

and drummed them out of town.’

 

‘Does… the one… that wins… get the crown?’ she asked, as she started to get out of breath.

‘Dear me, no!’ said the King. ‘What an idea!’

Alice had no breath for talking so they were running in silence, till they came to a great crowd. In the middle of that crowd the Lion and Unicorn were fighting. They were in a cloud of dust, and at first Alice could not understand who was who: but she soon saw the Unicorn with his horn.

They stood near Hatta, the other messenger. He had a cup of tea in one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other.

‘He’s only just out of prison,’ Haigha whispered to Alice: ‘and they only give them oyster-shells there… so you see that he’s very hungry and thirsty. How are you?’ he asked Hatta.

Hatta looked round and nodded, and went on eating his bread and butter.

‘Were you happy in prison, dear child?’ said Haigha.

Hatta looked round once more, and this time a tear or two came rolling down his cheek: but he didn’t say a word.

‘Speak!’ Haigha cried. But Hatta only drank some more tea.

‘Speak!’ cried the King. ‘Who is winning?’

Hatta swallowed a large piece of bread-and-butter. ‘Well,’ he said: ‘each of them has fallen down about eighty-seven times.’

‘Then I think they’ll soon bring the white bread and the brown?’ Alice asked.

‘Yes,’ said Hatta: ‘I’m eating a bit of it.’

There was a pause in the fight, and the Lion and the Unicorn sat down, panting. The King cried: ‘Ten minutes for refreshments!’ Haigha and Hatta started working, they carried white and brown bread. Alice took a piece to taste, but it was very dry.

‘I don’t think they’ll fight any more today,’ the King said to Hatta: ‘go and order the drums to begin.’ And Hatta ran away.

For a minute or two Alice stood silent, watching him. Suddenly she cried, ‘Look, look! It’s the White Queen! She is running across the country! How fast those Queens can run!’

‘There’s some enemy after her, I think,’ the King said and didn’t even look round. ‘That wood is full of them.’

‘But aren’t you going to run and help her?’ Alice asked, she was very much surprised that the King didn’t worry about the Queen.

‘Oh, no use!’ said the King. ‘She runs very quickly. But I’ll make a note about her, if you like… She’s a good creature,’ he said.

At this moment the Unicorn walked by them, with his hands in his pockets. ‘I was the best this time?’ he said to the King.

‘A little… a little,’ the King said nervously. ‘But why did you pierce him with your horn?’

‘I didn’t hurt him,’ the Unicorn said, and he was going to leave, when suddenly he saw Alice.

‘What… is… this?’ he said at last.

‘This is a child!’ Haigha said and came to Alice. ‘We only found it today!’

‘I always thought they were fantastic monsters!’ said the Unicorn. ‘Is it alive?’

‘It can talk!’ said Haigha.

The Unicorn looked thoughtfully at Alice, and said: ‘Talk, child.’

Alice smiled and said: ‘Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fantastic monsters, too! I never saw one alive before!’

‘Well, now that we have seen each other,’ said the Unicorn, ‘if you’ll believe in me, I’ll believe in you. Do you agree?’

‘Yes, if you like,’ said Alice.

‘Come and give me the plum-cake, old man!’ the Unicorn turned from her to the King.

‘Certainly… certainly!’ the King said, and turned to Haigha. ‘Open the bag!’ he whispered. ‘Quick! Not that one… that’s full of hay!’

Haigha took a large cake out of the bag, and gave it to Alice, while he got out a dish and a knife.

The Lion joined them soon: he looked very tired and sleepy, and his eyes were half shut. ‘What’s this!’ he said, looking at Alice.

‘Ah, what is it?’ the Unicorn cried. ‘You’ll never guess! I couldn’t.’

The Lion looked at Alice thoughtfully.

‘Are you animal… vegetable… or mineral?’ he said and yawned at every word.

‘It’s a fantastic monster!’ the Unicorn cried out, before Alice could say anything.

‘Then hand round the plum-cake, Monster,’ the Lion said. He lay down and put his head on his paws.

‘And sit down, both of you,’ (to the King and the Unicorn): ‘fair play with the cake!’

The King felt very uncomfortable, because he sat down between the two great creatures; but there was no other place for him.

Alice sat down on the bank of a little brook, with the great dish on her knees. She tried to cut the cake. ‘It’s very strange!’ she said, ‘I’ve cut several slices already, but they always join on again!’

‘You don’t know how to cut Looking-glass cakes,’ the Unicorn said. ‘Hand it round first, and cut it afterwards.’

It was nonsense, but Alice got up and carried the dish round, and the cake divided itself into three pieces as she did so. ‘Now cut it,’ said the Lion, when she returned to her place with the empty dish.

‘I say, it isn’t fair!’ cried the Unicorn. ‘The Monster has given the Lion twice as much as me!’

‘She’s given none for herself, anyhow,’ said the Lion. ‘Do you like plum-cake, Monster?’

But before Alice could answer him, the drums began. She couldn’t understand where the noise came from. She got up and jumped over the little brook.

She looked back and saw, that the Lion and the Unicorn rose to their feet with angry looks that they were interrupted in their feast. Alice put her hands over her ears, trying not to hear the terrible sound of drums.

‘If that doesn’t “drum them out of town,”’ she thought to herself, ‘nothing ever will!’