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Подготовка текста, комментарии, упражнения и словарь С. А. Матвеева
© ООО «Издательство АСТ», 2017
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, «Does your dog bite?»
The shopkeeper says, «No, my dog does not bite.»
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
«Ouch!» he says, «But you say your dog does not bite!»
The shopkeeper replies, «That is not my dog.»
A gloomy colonel was taking a walk in a park. He saw a lieutenant of his regiment in civilian clothes with a young lady. The lieutenant noticed the colonel from a distance, and hid himself behind a tree.
The next day the colonel asked:
«Why did I see you yesterday evening in the park in civilian clothes?»
«Because the tree was not thick enough, Sir,» answered the lieutenant.
A man went into a pet shop one day. «I want to buy a parrot that talks,» he said.
«I’m sorry sir, but you have to teach your parrot to speak.»
So he chose a parrot and took it home with him. Two weeks later he returned to the pet shop.
«My parrot still doesn’t speak,» he said.
«Ah, that’s a shame. Buy this mirror. He’ll look at himself, and talk.»
The man bought the mirror and went away. Two weeks later he returned again.
«My parrot is dead,» he said.
«I’m sorry, sir – but tell me, before he died, did he say anything?»
«Yes he did. But only one word.»
«Really? Which word was that?»
«Foood!»
Student: Brain is like Bermuda triangle – information goes in and then it is never found again.
– Why did you leave your last job?
– The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.
Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on. He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long,» he said. «They need shortening. Can you do it for me, please?»
The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.
Then the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.
When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off each leg of the new trousers.
Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.
Student: You will go to jail.
An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.
«Tell me,» the American said to the caretaker, «is that famous vase still here?» (shows its photo in the guide-book).
«Yes, sir,» was the reply.
«And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?»
«Yes, sir.»
«And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?»
«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»
«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums. Good-bye.» And he hurried away.
A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».
Men go shopping to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out what they want.
– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!
Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.
Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.
If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?
Boy: Our principal is so stupid. Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).
It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»
– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.
One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong. – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.
«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office. He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
A young girl once asked Mark Twain if he liked books for Christmas gifts. «Well, that depends,» answered the great humorist, «if a book has a leather cover, it is really valuable as a razor strop. If it is a brief, concise work, such as the French write, it is useful to put under the short leg of a wabbly table. A large book, like an atlas on geography, is good to nail over a broken pane of glass.»
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
A bewhiskered American farmer was once a passenger in a crowded trolley-bus. A little rather stout man was trying to reach a strap, caught the farmer’s beard. The farmer exclaimed indignantly:
– Take your paws away from my beard! – What’s the matter, mister? – said the aggressive little man. – Are you getting off?
A college professor returned home from a meeting. As he entered his room, he heard a noise that seemed to come from under the bed. «Is there someone there?» he asked absently. «No, professor,» answered the thief. «That is strange,» muttered the professor. «I was almost sure I heard someone under the bed.»
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
– Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,
– Just follow me.
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,
– Sorry, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,
– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.
The guy at the door says,
– A Doberman Pinscher?
He says,
– Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.
The guy at the door says,
– OK, come on in.
The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says,
– Sorry, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.
The guy at the door says,
– A Chihuahua?
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!
A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,
– I want to engrave inside this ring «From George to Dora».
The jeweller said,
– If you take my advice, sir, you will just have «From George».
A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question,
«How long married?» he hesitated, and then put down, «24 hours a day.»
Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasn’t. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting, either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.
«Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,» replied the minister.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister £50. The minister looked at Tom’s wife and gave him £42 change.
A man went to the Police Station. He wanted to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
«You’ll get your chance in court,» said the sergeant.
«No, no, no!» said the man. «I want to know how he got into the house and did not wake my wife!»
Tom won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked them:
– Who will have the present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?
Five small voices answered in unison:
– Okay, dad, you get the toy.
A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, «I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband.
«We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a pound a box,» said the clerk.
She looked them over and decided to take a box. Then she added, «Are they sprayed with poison?»
The clerk replied,
«No, ma’am. You can purchase that at the drug-store.»
– George, darling, what is it about me you find so attractive? Is it my personality?
– No.
– Is it my figure?
– No.
– Is it my charisma?
– No.
– I give in.
– That’s it!
– Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.
– Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
– What do you mean by «took them out of their shells»?
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, «Why are you here?»
The second answers, «I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.»
The first is curious and asks, «How do you know that you’re Napoleon?»
The second responds, «God told me I was.»
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, «No, I didn’t!»
The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him.
«John,» the new guy replied.
The manager scowled,
«Look, I don’t know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?»
The new guy sighed and said, «Darling. My name is John Darling.»
«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»
A woman called and asked,
– Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to whom?
– No, why do you ask?
She replied,
– Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?
– You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!
The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.
«How high is it, Doctor?» he wanted to know.
«Thirty and nine,» said the Doctor.
«And what’s the world record?» asked the champion.
«Is that Nora?» asked Willy.
«Yes, Nora is speaking,» answered the girl.
«Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.»
«Yes, I will,» was the reply, «but who is speaking?»
– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
– He will beat me.
«What’s the matter with you, darling?» Lily asked her husband. «Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden you don’t like beans.»
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
«Wait, wait,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here?»
«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said.
«But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»
«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»
«Yes,» added Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»
– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!
– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.
– I can put up with that, – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, «Oh! So you want to race, right?»
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, «All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.» The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, «It’s no good, I must do it,» and yells, «ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, «Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»
The trainer replies, «Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!»
A man was wandering around a fairground and he saw fortuneteller’s tent. He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. «Ah…» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.» «Silly fortuneteller,» scoffed the man, «I’m the father of THREE children!» The woman grinned and said, «That’s what YOU think!»
A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. «How can I understand,» replied the man, «what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.»
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures of a great forest fire. «A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,» said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, «Let’s go!» The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. «Fly over the north side of the fire,» said the photographer, «And make several low-level passes.» «Why?» asked the nervous pilot. «Because I want to take pictures!» yelled the photographer. «I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!» The pilot replied, «You mean you’re not the flight instructor?»
Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.
An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
«It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»
A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. «You’re not going to have a drink?» asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, «Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!»
A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: «We are very happy to make this transaction. But please tell us, why did you borrow £5,000?» «Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?»
A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, «Your first job will be to sweep out the store.» «But I’m a college graduate,» the young man replied indignantly. «Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,» said the manager. «Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.»
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will! He read it. It said: «You fool – get off my oxygen pipe!!!»
An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up. What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldn’t get out of her room. «You can’t get out of your room?» the captain asked, «Why not?» The stewardess replied, «There are only three doors here,» she sobbed, «one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!»
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, «I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order». The second surgeon said, «I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order». The third surgeon said, «I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, «I like to operate on lawyers». The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, «Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!»
One day a Pope and a lawyer died and went to Heaven. God came and said, «Follow me and I will give you your rooms.» So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. «Thank you, thank you my lord,» said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. «Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?» «Well, popes we get regular as clockwork, but you’re our first lawyer.»
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, «…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’» The teacher paused, then asked the class, «And what do you think that man said?» One little boy raised his hand and said, «I know, he said: Wow! A talking pig!»
One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard how his son was praying, «God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.» The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit afraid. The next night, he heard his son was praying again, «God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.» The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. The next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And the boy started to pray, «God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.» Now the father was very afraid. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, «Thank God you’re here! You can help us! Our milkman was dead on our porch this morning!»
Patient (to the doctor): Will it hurt, doctor? Doctor: Only when you get my bill, sir.
The psychology instructor finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. She was speaking about maniac depression, so she asked, «How will you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, who screams at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair and weeps the next?» A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, «A coach?»
Three blondes finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate it. They are walking into a bar and chanting, «61 days! 61 days!» The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, «Why are you chanting 61 days?» One of the three answers, «Because the box said 3–6-years!»
– Why do gorillas have big noses?
– Because they have big fingers.
A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog.
«This is a talking dog,» he said. «And you can have him for five pounds.»
The neighbour said, «You’re kidding! Talking dogs don’t exit!»
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.
«Please buy me, Sir,» he pleaded. «This man is cruel. He never buys me food, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I was the richest dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.»
«Hey!» said the neighbour. «He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five pounds?»
«Because,» said the seller, «I’m tired of all his lies.»
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect food, then want freedom and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Two guys were hunting, but they did not get any ducks.
«What do you think the problem is?» one man asked his companion.
«I don’t know,» came the reply, «Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog up high enough?»
An Scotsman, an Englishman and a nice girl were sitting together in a carriage in a train that was going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was the kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, a nice girl and the Scotsman were sitting quietly, and the Englishman’s cheek was red.
The Englishman was thinking, «The Scottish fellow kissed a nice girl, but she slapped me by mistake.» The girl was thinking, «The English fellow tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.» And the Scotsman was thinking, «This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.»
One woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to prepare food for her husband when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she is very late. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
«Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner in forty years of marriage! Can you make this for me again?»
She was very pleased. Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her friends about it and they are all horrified.
«You will kill him,» they said, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner.
Two months later, her husband died, and after the funeral all the Thursday bridge women attacked our new widow.
«You killed him! We told you that! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge while you know that you murdered your husband?»
She replied, «Ahh, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his leg.»
What’s the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
– I have good news and bad news, the defense lawyer says to his client.
– What’s the bad news?
– Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.
– Dammit! – cries the client. – What’s the good news?
– Well, – the lawyer says, – Your cholesterol is down to 140.
What are the four animals a woman needs in her life?
A tiger in bed, a jaguar in the garage, a mink on her shoulders and a jackass to pay for everything.
Why are single men thin and married men fat?
Because when you are single, you get home, open the refrigerator, see the same thing and go to bed.
When you are married, you get home, go to your bedroom, see the same thing and go to the fridge.
A teenage girl was talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
«Wow!» said her father, «That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?»
«Wrong number,» replied the girl.
The mother says to her daughter, «Did you enjoy your first day at school?»
The daughter answers, «First day? Do you mean I must go back again tomorrow?»
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
«If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.»
– Why are you late?
– There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
– That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it?
– No, I was standing on it.
– Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans! Is it a boy or a girl?
– It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
– Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
– I’m not. I’m her mother.
A teacher is talking to a pupil.
– Did your father help you with your homework?
– No, he did it all by himself.
A man says to the doctor, «Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.»
The doctor asks, «What do you mean?»
The man says, «When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. When I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.»
The doctor says, «I know what’s wrong with you. Your finger is broken!»
A guy says to his friend, «Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.»
The friend says, «If I guess right, will you give me one of them?»
The first guy says, «If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them.»
There were three restaurants on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said «The Best Restaurant in the City.»
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said «The Best Restaurant in the World.»
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said «The Best Restaurant on this Block.»
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, «Why are you arguing?»
One boy answers, «We found a ten dollars bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.»
«Shame on you!» said the teacher, «When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.»
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
«What is your age?» asked the judge. «Remember you’re under oath.»
«Twenty-one years and some months,» the woman answered.
«How many months?» the judge persisted.
«One hundred and eight.»
A new customer called Tech Support to ask about instructions from his computer’s user’s manual.
«It says hit any key and when I do that nothing happens».
The Tech Support staff member replied, «Can you try again and tell me what happens?»
The customer explained, «I tried but nothing happened».
The Tech Support worker then asked, «What key did you hit?»
After a moment and some clinking sound the customer replied, «Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.»
One hot day, a hippo went into a cafe, sat down at a table and ordered a large glass of orange juice with ice. The waiter was very surprised to see a hippo, but he got it the glass of orange juice with ice.
The waiter thought the hippo knew nothing about money, and so, when the hippo gave him a five pound note, the waiter gave him just one pound in change.
«I hope you enjoyed the orange juice,» said the waiter, «We don’t often see hippos here.»
«With orange juice at four pounds a glass,» said the hippo, «I’m not surprised.»
There was once a man who had a pet Penguin. One day, he took his Penguin for a walk. A Policeman saw him and walked over. He said, «What are you doing with that Penguin?»
The man said, «I’m taking him for a walk, officer.»
The Policeman stared at the man and said, «I’m sorry. You must take him to the Zoo!»
So the man agreed to take his Penguin to the Zoo, and the officer walked away satisfied.
The next week the Policeman was walking down the same street, and he saw the same man with the Penguin. Angry, the officer walked over to the man and yelled, «I thought I told you to take that Penguin to the Zoo!»
The man replied, «I did, officer! But he liked it so much that I’m taking him again today!»
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady. She was following him around. He ignored her and continued on.
Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
«Pardon me,» she said, «I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. But you look just like my son who died recently.»
«I’m very sorry,» replied the young man. «Is there anything I can do for you?»
«Yes,» she said. «When I leave, can you say ‘Goodbye, mother’? It will make me feel much better.»
«Sure,» answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, «Goodbye, mother!»
But when he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $200.
«How can that be?» he asked. «I only purchased a few things!»
«Your mother said, ‘My son will pay for me,’ said the clerk.
– I have the perfect son.
– Does he smoke?
– No, he doesn’t.
– Does he drink whiskey?
– No, he doesn’t.
– Does he ever come home late?
– No, he doesn’t.
– I guess you really have the perfect son. How old is he?
– He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Fred is 40 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked,
«Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?»
Fred replied,
«Actually, I found many good women to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.»
His friend thinks for a moment and says,
«I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.»
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
«Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?»
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, «Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.»
The friend said, «Then what’s the problem?»
Fred replied, «My father doesn’t like her.»
The doctor says, «I have some good news and some bad news for you.»
The man says, «OK, give me the good news first.»
The doctor says, «The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.»
The man replies, «Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?»
The doctor says, «The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.»
– Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
– Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
Officer: You were speeding. Man: No, I wasn’t. Officer: Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket. Man: But I wasn’t speeding. Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk? Officer: Yes, you would. Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think. Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip)?
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
– Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. – That’s impossible. Whose baby? – An elephant’s.
«Am I the first man you love?» he said. «Of course,» she answered. «Why do men always ask the same question?»
– I’m in a big trouble! – What is that? – I saw a mouse in my house! – Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap. – I don’t have one. – Well then, buy one. – I can’t afford one. – I can give you mine if you want. – That sounds good. – All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap. – I don’t have any cheese. – Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. – I don’t have oil. – Well, then put only a small piece of bread. – I don’t have bread. – Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man. He looks up in the sky and says, «Is that the sun or the moon?» The other drunk man answers, «I don’t know. I’m a stranger here myself.»
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an «I». Student: I is the… Teacher: Stop! Never put «is» after an «I». Always put «am» after an «I». Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, «I can make the boss give me the day off.» The man replies, «And how will you do that?» The woman says, «Just wait and see.»
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, «What are you doing?» The woman replies, «I’m a light bulb.» The boss then says, «You work too much, you are just crazy. I think you need a day off.»
The woman leaves. The man starts to follow her and the boss says, «Where are you going?» The man says, «I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.»
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, «Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?» The other one says, «No, it doesn’t worry me, I’m a horse!»
Teacher: How can we get some clean water? Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
– What do you call a deer with no eyes? – No idea.
– What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? – Still no idea.
– Meet my new born brother. – Oh, he is so handsome! What’s his name? – I don’t know. I can’t understand a word he says.
– What starts with E, ends with E and has only one letter? – An envelope.
– If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? – Wet.
– What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? – A stick.
– Where do you find giant snails?
– On the ends of their fingers.
– What travels around the world and stays in a corner? – A stamp.
– What is white when it’s dirty and black when it’s clean? – A blackboard.
– What do elephants have that no other animal has? – Baby elephants.
The first three years of marriage:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
– What happens when «you» and «I» are gone? – Only 24 letters are left.
– What letter of the alphabet is an insect? – B. (bee)
– What letter is a part of the head? – I. (eye)
– What letter is a drink? – T. (tea)
– What letter is a body of water? – C. (sea)
– What letter is a pronoun like «you»? – The letter «I».
– What letter is a vegetable? – P. (pea)
– What letter is an exclamation? – O. (oh!)
– What letter is a European bird? – J. (Jay)
– What letter is looking for causes? – Y. (why)
– What four letters frighten a thief? – O. I. C. U. (Oh I see you!)
– What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years? – The letter «M».
– Why is the letter «T» like an island? – Because it is in the middle of waTer.
– In what way can the letter «A» help a deaf lady? – It can make «her» «hear».
– Which is the loudest vowel? – The letter «I». It is always in the midst of noise.
– What way are the letter «A» and «noon» alike? – Both of them are in the middle of the «day».
– Why is «U» the happiest letter? – Because it is in the middle of «fun».
– What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters? – Alphabet. (= 26 letters)
– What relatives are dependent on you? – Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need «U».
– What is the end of everything? – The letter «G».
– What has many keys but can’t open any doors? – A piano.
– What has 6 eyes but can’t see? – 3 blind mice.
– Who earns money when he drives his customers away? – A taxi driver.
The teacher said, «John, name two pronouns.» John who suddenly woke up, said, «Who, me?»
Teacher: Today, we will talk about the tenses. Now, if I say «I am beautiful,» which tense is it? Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
– What is orange and sounds like parrot?
– A carrot.
– Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? – Yes, because the Empire State Building can’t jump!
A man asks a farmer near a field, «Sorry sir, may I cross your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.» The farmer says, «Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 3:55 one.»
I ask my daughter where my newspaper is. She tells me that newspapers are old school. She says that people use tablets nowadays and handed me hers. The fly hasn’t a dog’s chance.
– Jack, do you think I’m a bad mother? – My name is Paul.
How many gorillas can fit into a car? Eight. How many chickens can fit into the car? None, the car is already full of gorillas.
Mother: How was school today, Patrick? Patrick: It was really great, mum! Today we made explosives! Mother: Well, and what will you do at school tomorrow? Patrick: What school?
Doctor: This is a new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem. Patient: Great, how often do I have to take it? Doctor: Every two hours.
– My wife suffers from a drinking problem. – Oh, is she an alcoholic? – No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: «My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!» Psychiatrist: «Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.»
Harry prays to God, «Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.» The next day Harry begs the Lord again, «Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!» The next day, Harry again prays, «Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!» Suddenly he hears a voice from above, «Harry, go and buy a lottery ticket!!»
– You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens… – Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!
A wife complains to her husband: «Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He holds her hand, kisses her, holds the door for her, why can’t you do the same?» The husband: «Are you mad? I don’t know that woman!»
In a boomerang shop:
«I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?»
Patient: «Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.» Doctor: «Don’t worry. Mine too.»
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
A police officer stops a car. Officer: «Your driver’s license please.»
Driver: «I’m really sorry, I forgot.» Officer: «At home?» Driver: «No, to do it.»
Guest at a restaurant: «I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!» Waiter: «That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.»
I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday he tried to sell me!
A husband and a wife sit at the table, they have dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. «Oh, I look like a pig!» The man nods, «And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!»
Doctor says to his patient, «You have cancer and Alzheimer.» Patient, «At least I don’t have cancer.»
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t breathe, his eyes are closed. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, «My friend is dead! What can I do?» The operator says, «Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.» There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, «OK, now what?»
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was «Michael».
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, «So, you were at school today, right?» Son: «Yeah.» Detector: «Beep.» Son: «OK, OK, I was in a cinema.» Detector: «Beep.» Son: «Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.» Father: «What?! At your age, I didn’t touch alcohol!» Detector: «Beep.» Mother laughs: «Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!» Detector: «Beep.»
– Grandpa, why don’t you have any life insurance? – So you can all be really sad when I die.
– Knock, knock. – Who’s there? – The love of your life. – Liar! Chocolate can’t speak!
A detective asks a woman, «So, your husband hanged himself?»
Woman replies, «Yes, that is correct.»
The suspicious detective continues, «But why does he have all those bruises on his head?» «The old fool used an elastic rope!»
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
Patient asks his doctor: «Can I take a bath with diarrhea?» Doctor: «Yes, if you are able to fill it up. «
Man: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah, sure! Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. «That won’t help you, Joe, you know?» «Oh it helps a lot,» says the man, «it’s the only way I can see the numbers!»
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I prefer to cry comfortably in a new car than on a bike.
One state official to the other: «I don’t know what people have against us – we do absolutely nothing.»
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two from under the blanket! Seized by a fit of rage, she takes a baseball bat and starts to hit the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. «Oh welcome home darling,» he says, «my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.»
Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
Judge: Why did you steal the car? Man: I had to get to work. Judge: Why didn’t you take the bus? Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
Wife calls her husband and says, «Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.» «What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?» «It’s water in the carburetor, love.» «Oh no, where are you right now?» «Um, in the little lake behind the house…»
In a bakery. Man to the shop assistant: «I’ll have that thing there, please.» Shop assistant: «Cupcake?» Man: «OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.»
Japanese people are very generous. Some nice Japanese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
«Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?» «She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!» «So? Maybe she was.» «No! I was the whole night at her sister’s!»
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: «Windows are totally frozen, will not open.» Husband replies: «Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.» 15 minutes later, the wife texts back: «Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.»
At a psychiatric clinic, «Doctor, what will we do with the new guy in room 6? He believes he’s a wolf.» Doctor, «Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!»
Police officer to a driver: «OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.» Driver: «No, thank you; I have all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?»
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, «Is this some kind of a joke?»
– Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away? – But sir, this is a buffet. – Pack it up I said!
I saw a poster today, somebody was asking, «Did you see my cat?» So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help people where I can.
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar. I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art. He said, «Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!» «No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!»
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, «What was that?» The guy smiled at her, «Direct marketing!» The girl slapped him soundly. «What was that?!» said the boy, holding his cheek. «Customer feedback.»
I fear my neighbor is stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He was leaving messages around the house for days.
– Do you know how to make a foolish person curious? – No, how? – I’ll tell you tomorrow.
– I wasn’t drunk yesterday.
– Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.»
Of course I have to clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, «He was crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?» «No,» replies the wife, «he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our son.»
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?! 11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
– Wait for me, honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. – You don’t need make-up, Jane. – Oh, Richard… really? That is so sweet of you! – You need plastic surgery.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Can we change the topic please?
The prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement and yells, «I’m free! I’m free!» A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, «I’m four! I’m four!»
Mother is waking her son: «Johnny, come, wake up, you have to go to school.» «Aw, mom, just a bit more sleep, please.» «No, it’s really high time, now get up.» «But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!» «Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!» «Mom, give me two good reasons why I must go to the stupid school.» «Johnny, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.»
What is the strongest creature in the world? The snail. It carries its whole house on its back.
Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy? Jack: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later. Dad: Why? Jack: I borrowed it to Michael because he wanted to scare his parents.
Teacher asks the student: «Why are you so late?!» Student: «Well, I was crossing the road and I saw a sign «School ahead, go slowly!»
Where do pencils spend their vacations? In Pencilvania.
– Why did the cow cross the road? – It wanted to go to the mooovies.
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house.
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
«Darling, can I go out in this dress?» «Yes dear, it’s already dark out.»
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, «Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?» His mum answers, «The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.» The boy nods and then says, «OK, and why is the boy all in black?»
– Honey, do you think I gained weight? – No, I think the living room got smaller.
– Honey, what will you give me for our 10th anniversary? – A trip to Thailand? – Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 20th anniversary? – Then I pick you up again.
– My credit card was stolen.
– Did you report it?
– Never. The thief was spending considerably less than my wife.
My husband and I had very happy twenty-five years. After that we met.
– I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you! – But honey, what about our child? – What child?! – Oh, so you’re not pregnant?
– Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second? – Because he didn’t want to listen how to make Adam.
– Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on. – But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses. – True, but I do.
A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married. But then it’s already too late for him.
A man and a woman are having a date. The woman remarks, «You know, you look totally like my third husband!» The man asks, «Really, how many times were you married?!» «Twice.»
A woman says,
– I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire! – And what was he before? – A billionaire.
Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
Girl: One day I will marry. A lot of men will be sad that day. Boy: Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?
Life hack: Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall. If you don’t, she can start shopping. For her it is romantic; for you it is economical.
An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, he calls her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc. When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the man, «Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…» The man looks at him, «To be honest, it is a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.»
Husband: Shall we make a nice weekend for each other, honey? Wife: Oh, that would be lovely! Husband: Fantastic! Well, see you Monday.
– What do bacon and wives have in common? – They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.
Men perfectly understand other people. Provided those other people are men.
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair? Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
A husband asks his wife: – If I die, will you marry again? – Oh darling, of course I won’t. I’ll go and live with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry? – No, I think I’ll go and live with your sister too.
A fortune teller asks a woman: «So, you came to know your husband’s future?» «No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!»
Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you. Bad news: She wants a divorce. Terrible news: She’s a lawyer.
A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her 7 years ago. The witch asks, «What sort of a curse was it, then?»
The woman said, «It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
Husband: «Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.» Wife: «Oh darling. Nothing will please me more!» And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up. The doctor looks serious and says, «Mrs Richardson, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.» «OK,» nods Mrs Richardson, «and how often must he take those?» «Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Richardson, they’re for you.»
Husband leaves the house with the dog. Wife asks: «Are you taking the donkey for a walk?» Husband: «You mean the dog, right?» Wife: «I am talking to the dog!»
– Peter’s smart phone fell into a big mug of coffee but didn’t get wet. How was this possible? – It was coffee powder.
– What is dirty after washing? – Your bath water.
– What is yours, but is used much more often by your friends? – Your name.
– What has two legs but cannot walk? – A pair of trousers.
– What falls down but is never injured? – The rain.
– How many seconds are there in a year? – Twelve. Second of January, second of February…
– How can somebody walk for 8 days without sleeping? – He sleeps only at night.
– Where does Friday always come before Thursday? – In a dictionary.
– What goes up when the water comes down? – An umbrella.
– A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn’t get wet. How does he do that? – He is bald.
– What table can you eat? – A vegetable.
– On Thursday, a man went for a horseback trip on Friday and returned two days later on Saturday. How is that possible? – The horse’s name was Friday.
– What’s got feathers but no wings? – Your pillow.
– What spends all the time on the floor but never gets dirty? – Your shadow.
A question in a math class.
– You have 2 apples in your hand and then you add another 4 apples in your hand. What do you have? – A very big hand.
– What has 6 feet and sings? – The singing trio.
A girl asks a boy: «Mike, how much do you love me?» The boy answers, «Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.» The girl is confused, «But it’s morning, there are no stars?» Boy nods, «Exactly!»
A recent scientific study showed that out of 3,893,921,729 people, 94 % are too lazy to actually read that number.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle’s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: «Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!»
The boy says: «Oh, good that it wasn’t new.»
My neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.
A man goes to the lawyer: «What is your fee?» Lawyer says: «1000 US dollars for 3 questions.» Man: «Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?» Lawyer: «Yes, what is your third question?»
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says: «You need to eat that chocolate.» The other voice goes: «You heard. Eat the chocolate.»
– Are you two twins? – No, why do you ask? – Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes. – OK that’s enough, your driver’s license please.
Insurance clerk: «Where were you born, Sir?» Man: «In the United States.» Insurance clerk: «OK, and which part?» Man: «My entire body.»
Bus driver to passenger: «Don’t you want to sit down?» Passenger: «No, I am in a hurry.»
– Little Jonny, why did you put your teddy in the freezer? – I want to have a polar bear.
Man to his wife: «Do you know what our 6 year old son wants to be once he’s big?» Wife: «No.» Man: «A garbage man. And you know why?» Wife: «No, why?» Man: «Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays.»
In a boutique: – Could I try the dress in the shop window, please? – I’m sorry, madam, but no. We have cabins for that.
– Hello, doctor, can you look at my laptop? – Why? – It looks like it caught a virus.
Doctor: «You must lose weight immediately! Do not take in more than thousand calories per day!» Woman: «Before or after meals?»
«What’s the name of your new dog?» «I don’t know. He won’t tell.»
Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep. Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: «And, is he asleep?» Little Jonny answers: «Yes, finally.»
Son: «Is this insecticide good for mosquitos?» Dad: «Not at all, it kills them!»
Daughter to her dad: «What is it?» Dad: «It» is a pronoun».
– Dad, I’m hungry! – Oh hello, Hungry, I’m Dad! – But I’m really hungry! – And I’m really Dad.
– Dad, I’m cold! – Go to the corner, son, there’s 90 degrees.
– Dad, can you make me a sandwich, please? – Abrakadabra! You are now a sandwich!
– Daddy, what is an alcoholic?» – Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic sees 8 trees.» – Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.»
– Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it. – Absolutely! ‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’
– What do you call a sheep without legs? – A cloud.
– Dad you look tired. – Oh, you mean the dark circles under my eyes? Those are the shadows of my great deeds.
– Could you call me a taxi, please? – As you wish, dear taxi.
Dad to his daughter: «Never forget, sweetie, you’re unique, like everyone else.»
Two cows meet, one says, «Mooooo!» The other one is offended, «Hey, I just wanted to say that!»
Son: «Am I adopted?» Dad: «Not yet, it seems nobody is interested.»
Vegetarian is an old Indian word. Originally, it means «a bad hunter».
How many pears grow on a tree? They all do.
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