Playing the Courier

A time would come when we must go to Geneva, and from thence, by a series of day-long journeys, to Bayreuth in Bavaria. I should have to have a courier, of course, to take care of so considerable a party as mine.

But I procrastinated. The time slipped along, and at last I woke up one day to the fact that we were ready to move and had no courier. I then decided I would make the first stage without help – I did it.

I brought the party from Aix to Geneva by myself – four people. The distance was two hours and more, and there was one change of cars. There was not an accident of any kind, except leaving a trunk and some other matters on the platform – a thing which can hardly be called an accident, it is so common. So I offered to conduct the party all the way to Bayreuth.

This was a mistake, though it did not seem so at the time. There was more detail than I thought there would be: 1. Two persons whom we had left in a Genevan pension some weeks before must be collected and brought to the hotel; 2. I must notify the people on the Grand Quay who store trunks to bring seven of our stored trunks to the hotel and carry back seven which they would find in the lobby; 3. I must find out what part of Europe Bayreuth was in and buy seven railway tickets for that point; 4. I must send a telegram to a friend in the Netherlands; 5. It was now 2 in the afternoon, and we must be ready for the first night train and make sure of sleeping-car tickets; 6. I must draw money at the bank.

It seemed to me that the sleeping-car tickets must be the most important thing, so I went to the station myself to make sure. I applied for the tickets, and they asked me which route I wanted to go by, and that embarrassed me. There were so many people around, and I did not know anything about the routes and did not suppose there were going to be two. So I judged it best to go back, map out the road and come again.

I took a cab, and on my way up-stairs at the hotel I remembered that I was out of cigars. I thought it would be well to get some while I remembered it. It was only round the corner. I asked the cabman to wait where he was. Thinking of the telegram to my friend in the Netherlands, I forgot the cigars and the cab. I was going to ask the hotel people to send the telegram, but as I could not be far from the post office, I thought I would do it myself.

The post office was further than I had supposed. I found the place at last and wrote the telegram and handed it in. The clerk was a severe-looking man, and he began to fire French questions at me in such a liquid form that I could not separate his words from each other. I got embarrassed again. But an Englishman stepped up and said the clerk wanted to know where he was to send the telegram. I could not tell him, because it was not my telegram. I explained that I was merely sending it for a member of my party. But nothing would satisfy the clerk but the address. So I said that if he insisted that much I would go back and get it.

However, I thought I would go and collect those lacking two persons first. Then I remembered the cab was still waiting for me at the hotel; so I called another cab and told the man to go down and fetch it to the post office and wait till I came.

I had a long, hot walk to collect those people, and when I got there they couldn’t come with me because they had heavy satchels and must have a cab. I went away to find one, but noticed that I had reached the neighborhood of the Grand Quay – at least I thought I had – so I decided to save time by arranging about the trunks. After a while, although I did not find the Grand Quay, I found a cigar shop, and remembered about the cigars. I said I was going to Bayreuth, and wanted enough cigars for the journey. The man asked me which route I was going to take. I said I did not know. He said he would recommend me to go by Zurich and various other places which he named, and offered to sell me seven second-class through tickets for $22 each. I was already tired of riding second-class on first-class tickets, so I took him up.

By and by I found Natural & Co.’s storage office, and told them to send seven of our trunks to the hotel and put them in the lobby. It seemed to me that I was not delivering the whole of the message, still it was all I could find in my head.

Next I found the bank and asked for some money, but I had left my letter of credit somewhere and was not able to draw. I remembered now that I must have left it lying on the table where I wrote my telegram; so I got a cab and drove to the post office and went upstairs. They said that a letter of credit had indeed been left on the table, but that it was now in the hands of the police authorities. So it would be necessary for me to go there and prove property. They sent a boy with me, and we went out the back way and walked a couple of miles and found the place. And then I remembered about my cabs, and asked the boy to send them to me when he got back to the post office. Then I was told that the Mayor had gone to dinner. I thought I would go to dinner myself, but the officer on duty thought differently, and I stayed.

The Mayor returned at half past 10, but said it was too late to do anything – come at 9.30 in the morning. The officer wanted to keep me all night, and said I was a suspicious-looking person, and probably did not own the letter of credit, and didn’t know what a letter of credit was, but merely wanted to get it because I was probably a person that would want anything he could get, whether it was valuable or not. But the Mayor said he saw nothing suspicious about me. So I thanked him and he set me free, and I went home in my three cabs.

As I was awfully tired and in no condition to answer questions. I thought I would not disturb the Expedition at that time of night. There was a vacant room I knew of at the other end of the hall. But a watch had been set, the Expedition had been anxious about me. The Expedition sat on four chairs in a row, with shawls and things all on, satchels and guide-books in lap. They had been sitting like that for four hours. Yes, and they were waiting – waiting for me.

I tried to touch their hearts and soften the bitter resentment in those faces by making of the whole ghastly thing a humorous incident, but it was not the right atmosphere for it. I got not one smile; not one line in those offended faces relaxed. The head of the Expedition said:

“Where have you been? Where are the two others?”

“Oh, they’re all right. I was to fetch a cab. I will go straight off, and – “

“Sit down! Don’t you know it is 11 o’clock? Where did you leave them?”

“At the pension.”

“Why didn’t you bring them?”

“Because we couldn’t carry the satchels. And so I thought – ”

“Thought! You should not try to think. One cannot think without the proper machinery. It is two miles to that pension. Did you go there without a cab?”

“I – well, I didn’t intend to; it only happened so.”

“How did it happen so?”

“Because I was at the post office and I remembered that I had left a cab waiting here, and so I sent another cab to – to – ”

“To what?”

“Well, I don’t remember now, but I think the new cab was to ask the hotel to pay the old cab, and send it away.”

“And who was to pay the new cab?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Why didn’t you have the new cab come back for you?”

“Oh, that is what I did. I remember now. Yes, that is what I did. Because I remember that when I – ”

“Well, then, why didn’t it come back for you?”

“To the post office? Why, it did.”

“Very well, then, why did you walk to the pension?”

“I–I don’t quite remember how that happened – Oh, yes, I wrote the despatch to send to the Netherlands, and – ”

“Oh, thank goodness, you did accomplish something! I – what makes you look like that! You are trying to avoid my eye. That despatch is the most important thing that – You haven’t sent that despatch!”

“I haven’t said I didn’t send it.”

“You don’t need to. Oh, dear, why didn’t you send it?”

“Well, you see, with so many things to do and think of, I – they’re very particular there, and after I had written the telegram – ”

“Oh, never mind, let it go, explanations can’t help anyone now – what will he think of us?”

“Oh, that’s all right, that’s all right, he’ll think we gave the telegram to the hotel people, and that they – ”

“Why, certainly! Why didn’t you do that?”

“Yes, I know, but then I had it on my mind that I must get to the bank and draw some money – “

“How much did you draw?”

“Well, I–I had an idea that – that – ”

“Do turn your face this way and let me – why, you haven’t drawn any money!”

“Well, the banker said – “

“Never mind what the banker said – ”

“Well, then, the simple fact was that I hadn’t my letter of credit.”

“Hadn’t your letter of credit?”

“Hadn’t my letter of credit.”

“Don’t repeat me like that. Where was it?”

“At the post office.”

“What was it doing there?”

“Well, I forgot it and left it there.”

“I’ve seen a good many couriers, but of all the couriers that ever I – ”

“I’ve done the best I could.”

“Well, so you have, poor thing. It will all come out right. We can take the 7:30 train in the morning just as well. You’ve bought the tickets?”

“I have – and it’s a bargain, too. Second class.”

“I’m glad of it. What did you pay?”

“Twenty-two dollars a ticket – through to Bayreuth.”

“Why, I didn’t know you could buy through tickets anywhere but in London and Paris.”

“Some people can’t, maybe; but some people can – ”

“It seems a rather high price – We shall have to get up pretty early, and so there should be no packing to do. Your umbrella, your rubbers, your cigars – what is the matter?”

“I’ve left the cigars at the bank.”

“Just think of it! Well, your umbrella?”

“I’ll have that all right. There’s no hurry.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, that’s all right; I’ll take care of – ”

“Where is that umbrella?”

“Well, I think I left it at the cigar shop; but anyway – “

“Take your feet out from under that thing. It’s just as I expected! Where are your rubbers?”

“They – well – ”

“Where are your rubbers?”

“Well, you see – well, it was this way. First, the officer said – ”

“What officer?”

“Police officer but the Mayor, he – ”

“Wait. What is the matter with you?”

“Who, me? Nothing. They both tried to persuade me to stay, and – ”

“Stay where?”

“Well, the fact is – ”

“Where have you been? What’s kept you out till half past 10 at night?”

“O, you see, after I lost my letter of credit, I – ”

“Answer the question in just one straightforward word. Where are those rubbers?”

“They – well, they’re in the county jail.”

I tried to smile, but the climate was unsuitable. Spending three or four hours in jail did not seem to the Expedition humorous.

I had to explain the whole thing, and, of course, it came out then that we couldn’t take the early train, because that would leave my letter of credit in the jail.

Then there happened to be mention of the trunks, and I was able to say I had attended to that feature.

“There, you are just as good and thoughtful and intelligent as you can be, and it’s a shame to find so much fault with you. I’m sorry I ever said one ungrateful word to you.”

This made me uncomfortable, because I wasn’t feeling as solid about that trunk errand as I wanted to. There seemed somehow to be a defect about it somewhere.

Of course there was music in the morning, when it was found that we couldn’t leave by the early train. But I had no time to wait; I started out to get my letter of credit.

It seemed a good time to look into the trunk business. I was too late. The concierge said he had shipped the trunks to Zurich the evening before. I asked him how he could do that without looking at passage tickets.

“Not necessary in Switzerland. You pay for your trunks and send them where you please. Nothing goes free but your hand-baggage.”

“How much did you pay on them?”

“A hundred and forty francs.”

“Twenty-eight dollars. There’s something wrong about that trunk business, sure.”

Next I met the porter. He said:

“You have not slept well, haven’t you? You have the worn look. If you need a courier, a good one has arrived last night, and is not engaged for five days already, by the name of Ludi. We recommend him; the hotel recommends him.”

I declined with coldness. My spirit was not broken yet.

I was at the county jail by 9 o’clock, hoping that the Mayor might chance to come before his regular hour; but he didn’t. It was boring to wait for him. Every time I offered to touch anything, or look at anything, or do anything, the policeman said it was forbidden. I thought I would practice my French on him, but he didn’t answer.

The Mayor came at last. Then there was no trouble. For the minute he had convened the Supreme Court, and my unsealed letter was brought and opened. There wasn’t anything in it but some photographs; because, as I remembered now, I had taken out the letter of credit so as to make room for the photographs, and had put the letter in my other pocket, which I proved to everybody’s satisfaction by fetching it out and showing it. So then the court looked at each other in a vacant kind of way, and then at me, and then at each other again, and finally let me go, but asked me what my profession was. I said I was a courier. They said, “Du lieber Gott!” and I said a word of thanks for their apparent admiration and hurried off to the bank.

However, I passed by the bank and started for the two lacking members of the Expedition. I took a cab but gained no speed by this. The week-long celebrations over the 600th anniversary of the birth of Swiss liberty and the Signing of the Compact took place in the town, and all the streets were in flags.

The horse and the driver had been drunk three days and nights, and had known no stall nor bed. But we arrived after all. I went in and asked a housemaid to rush out the lacking members. She said something which I did not understand. The girl had probably told me that those people did not belong on her floor, and that I had to go higher, and ring from floor to floor till I found them; for in those Swiss flats there does not seem to be any way to find the right family. I decided I needed time to think -

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. The intruder was a policeman. There was a crowd around, and they had that pleased and interested look which such a crowd wears when they see that somebody is out of luck. The horse was asleep, and so was the driver, and some boys had hung them and me full of decorations stolen from the innumerable banner-poles. It was a scandalous spectacle. The officer said:

“I’m sorry, but we can’t have you sleeping here all day.”

“I beg your pardon, I was not sleeping; I was thinking.”

“Well, you can think if you want to, but you’ve got to think to yourself; you disturb the whole neighborhood.”

It made the crowd laugh. I snore at night sometimes, but it is not likely that I would do such a thing in the daytime and in such a place. The officer undecorated us, and seemed sorry for our friendlessness, but he said we mustn’t stop there any longer.

“What is it you are waiting here for so long?”

I told him who I was waiting for.

The policeman began to shout inquiries to the heads from the windows above us. Then a woman sang out:

“O, they? Why, I got them a cab and they left here long ago – half past eight, I should say.”

It was annoying. I glanced at my watch, but didn’t say anything. The officer said:

“It is a quarter of 12, you see. You should have inquired better. You have been asleep three-quarters of an hour, and in such a sun as this. You are baked – baked black. It is wonderful. And you will miss your train, perhaps. You interest me greatly. What is your occupation?”

I said I was a courier. It seemed to stun him, and before he could come to we were gone.

When I arrived in the third story of the hotel I found our quarters vacant. I was not surprised. The moment a courier takes his eye off his tribe they go shopping. The nearer it is to train-time the surer they are to go. I sat down to try and think out what I had best do next. Presently the hall boy found me there, and said the Expedition had gone to the station half an hour before. It was the first time I had known them to do a rational thing, and it was very confusing.

The train was to leave at 12 noon sharp. It was now ten minutes after 12. I could be at the station in ten minutes. My people were the only ones remaining in the waiting-room; everybody else had “mounted the train,” as they say in those regions. They were exhausted with nervousness, but I comforted them and we made our rush.

But no; we were out of luck again. The doorkeeper was not satisfied with the tickets. He examined them cautiously, suspiciously; then glared at me a while, and after that he called another official. The two examined the tickets and called another official. These called others, and the convention discussed and discussed, and gesticulated and carried on. Then they said very courteously that there was a defect in the tickets, and asked me where I got them.

I saw what the trouble was now. You see, I had bought the tickets in a cigar shop, and, of course, the tobacco smell was on them. Without doubt, the thing they were up to collect duty on that smell. So I decided to be perfectly frank; it is sometimes the best way. I said:

“Gentlemen, I will not deceive you. These railway tickets – ”

“Ah, pardon, monsieur! These are not railway tickets.”

“O,” I said, “is that the defect?”

“Ah, truly yes, monsieur. These are lottery tickets, yes; and it is a lottery which took place two years ago.”

I tried to look greatly amused; it is all one can do in such circumstances. However, it deceives nobody, and you can see that everybody around pities you and is ashamed of you. One of the hardest situations in life, I think, is to be full of grief and a sense of defeat, and yet have to put on gaiety.

I said, cheerily, it was all right, just one of those little accidents that was likely to happen to anybody – I would have the right tickets in two minutes, and we would catch the train yet, and, moreover, have something to laugh about all through the journey. I did get the tickets in time, all stamped and complete, but then it turned out that I couldn’t take them because I had forgotten about the bank and didn’t have the money. So then the train left, and there didn’t seem to be anything to do but go back to the hotel, which we did.

We had lost our good rooms, but we got some others. I judged things would brighten now, but the Head of the Expedition said, “Send up the trunks.” It made me feel pretty cold. There was a doubtful something about that trunk business. I was almost sure of it.

Now I was informed that we would now stay here for three days and see if we could rest up.

I said all right; I would go down and attend to the trunks myself. I got a cab and went straight to Mr. Charles Natural’s place, and asked what order it was I had left there.

“To send seven trunks to the hotel.”

“And were you to bring any back?”

“No.”

“You are sure I didn’t tell you to bring back seven that would be found piled in the lobby?”

“Absolutely sure you didn’t.”

“Then the whole fourteen are gone to Zurich or Jericho or somewhere – ”

I didn’t finish, because my mind was in such a state when you think you have finished a sentence when you haven’t, and you go dreaming away, and the first thing you know you get run over by a cow or something.

I left the cab there and on my way back I thought it all out and concluded to resign. But I didn’t believe it would be a good idea to resign in person; I could do it by message. So I sent for Mr. Ludi and explained that there was a courier going to resign because of incompatibility or fatigue or something. As he had four or five vacant days, I would like to offer him the job if he thought he could take it. When everything was arranged, I got him to go up and say to the Expedition that, owing to an error made by Mr. Natural’s people, we were out of trunks here, but would have plenty in Zurich, and we’d better take the first train and move right along.

He attended to that and came down with an invitation for me to go up – yes, certainly. While we walked along over to the bank to get money, and collect my cigars and tobacco, and to the cigar shop to trade back the lottery tickets and get my umbrella, and to Mr. Natural’s to pay that cab and send it away, and to the county jail to get my rubbers, he described the mood of the Expedition to me, and I saw that I was doing very well where I was.

I stayed out in the woods till 4 p. m. and then turned up at the station just in time to take the 3 o’clock express for Zurich along with the Expedition, now in the hands of Ludi, who conducted its complex affairs with little effort or inconvenience.

Well, I had worked like a slave and done the very best I knew how; yet all that these people seemed to care to remember was the defects of my administration. I finally said I didn’t wish to hear any more about the subject, it made me tired. And I told them to their faces that I would never be a courier again to save anybody’s life. And, if I live long enough I’ll prove it. I think it’s a difficult and absolutely ungrateful job.