The Princess Bride
S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure
—
The "Gold Parts" Version
Abridged by William Goldman
Introduction to the 30th Anniversary Edition
UNTIL A COUPLE of weeks ago, this introduction would have been real short: "Why are you buying this book?" is what I would have said. Or more accurately, this edition of this book?
Buy the 25th anniversary version, I would have told you. It's got a long intro by yours truly where I explain a lot about the Morgenstern estate and the horrible legal problems I've had with them. That version is still out there and what you are interested in is the same thing that I am interested in—namely, at last, getting Buttercup's Baby published.
I would also have gone on to tell you that there is nothing to report on that front. Same old same old. Well, that was then, as they say.
Something new has very much happened.
LET ME TELL you how I first heard of the existence of the Morgenstern Museum.
Back we go to 1986, Sheffield, England, and we are shooting the movie of The Princess Bride. It was such a happy time for me, at last Morgenstern coming to life on film. I had written the screenplay for it first over a decade before—but it had never been "picked up," as they say Out There, till then.
I ordinarily do not not not like being on movie sets. I once wrote that the best day of your life is your first day on a set and the worst days are all the ones that follow. They are tedious and horrible for several reasons: (1) they are tedious and horrible (but you won't believe that, I know), and (2) if you are the writer, essentially, your work is done.
I make the actors nervous, but more than that, and if I have written this before, skip this part, I have an amazing ability to screw up shots. I hide on the sets out of the way when the camera rolls, but I cannot tell you how often the director, just as he is about to start, sees where I am and asks me to please move, because I am standing in the exact spot where the shot will end.
A few days before the day I am about to tell you about, we were shooting the Fire Swamp. And there is a moment in the movie where Cary Elwes (Westley) starts to lead Robin Wright (Buttercup) through it.
Now I know what is going to happen—there is a flame spurt and her dress catches on fire. Why am I so smart? Because Morgenstern wrote it, I adapted it for the novel, and used it in every draft of the screenplay, of which, believe me, there were many.
OK, I am standing there on the set of the Fire Swamp and Rob Reiner goes "action, Cary" and here they come into view, those two wonderful actors, and I am watching from a corner of the set, and he leads her forward, one step, another step—
—at which point there is a flame spurt and her dress catches on fire.
At which point (so humiliating) I start to shout, "Her dress is on fire, her dress is on fire" totally destroying the shot.
Rob yells "Cut," turns to me and in a voice I can still hear, he says with all the patience he can muster, "Bill, it's supposed to catch on fire."
I think I came up with something real smart like "I knew that, sorry" and hid.
OK, now you can start reading again.
The next night we were shooting outside, the attack on the castle, and it was cold. Bitter, British cold. The whole crew is bundled up, but the wind cut in on us anyway. I remember it was as cold as any time I ever had on a movie set. Everyone was freezing.
Except Andre.
I have no way to explain this, but Andre never got cold. Maybe it's a giant thing, I never asked him. But he was sitting there that night in the tights he wore and all he had on top was a very thin towel across his shoulders. (Of course, it never made it all the way across his shoulders, being a normal sized towel.) And as we talked, and I mean this now, dozens of people would walk up to him, say hello, and then ask if they could get him a coat or a blanket or anything else to keep him warm and he would say always, "No, Boss, thank you Boss, I'm fine" and go back to talking to me.
I just loved being around him. I am starting my fifth decade of movie madness and he was by far the most popular figure on any film set I ever knew. A bunch of us—Billy Crystal I think was one—used to spitball about doing a TV series for Andre, so he could cut down the three hundred plus days a year of travel wrestling required. I think it was going to be called something like Here Comes Andre and it was going to be about a wrestler who decided he'd had enough and got a job as a baby-sitter.
Kids went nuts over him. Whenever I'd walk into the Fire Swamp set, there he'd be, one kid on his head, a couple on each shoulder, one in each hand. They were the children of people who worked on the movie and they would all sit there in silence, watching the shoot.
"Beeeel?" It is now that freezing night and I could tell from his tone, we were entering into difficult terrain. He took a long pause before continuing. "Ow doo yoo theenk, so far eees my Feh-zeeeek?"
I told him the truth, which was that I had written the part for him. Back in '41 when my father first read the Morgenstern to me, I naturally had no idea movies were written. They were just these things I loved going to at the Alcyon. Later, when I got in the business and adapted this for the Silver Screen, I had no idea who should play Fezzik if the movie ever actually happened. Then one night on the tube there Andre was wrestling. He was young then, I don't think much over twenty-five.
Helen (my wife then, the world-famous shrink) and I are watching the tube in bed. Or rather, I am watching the tube, Helen is translating one of her books into French. I screamed—"Helen, my God, look, Fezzik."
She knew what I was talking about, knew how important a movie of the Morgenstern was to me, understood how many times it had come close, how upset I was that it never seemingly would happen. She had tried on occasion to get me to deal with the reality, which was that the movie might not get made. I think she started to make that pitch again, then saw the look in my eyes as I watched Andre slaughter a bunch of bad guys.
"He'll be great," she said, trying very hard to assure me.
AND HERE I was, a decade-plus later, chatting with this amazing Frenchman, who I will envision now and forever with little kids climbing all over him. "Your Fezzik is wonderful," I said. And it was. Yes, his French accent was a trifle thick, but once you got used to it, no problem.
"I 'ave work vairy 'aard to be so. Thees is much more deeper par' than Beeg-fooooot." (One of his only other non-wrestling roles was when he had played Bigfoot years before on I think a Six Million Dollar Man.) "I doo vair' much resear. For my char."
I realized right off that "char" was Andre for "character." "What research, exactly?" I figured he was going to tell me he'd read the French edition several times.
"Eye clime thee cleefs."
"The Cliffs of Insanity?" I was stunned. You cannot imagine how steep they are.
"Oh, oui, many times, up an down, up an down."
"But Andre, what if you had fallen?"
"Eye was vair scair thee firss time, but then eye know thees: Feh-zeeek would nevair sleep."
Suddenly it was like I was engaged in conversation with Lee Strasberg.
"An' I fight zee groops too. Fezzik fight zee groops, Eye fight zee groups. Wuz goooood."
And then he said the crucial thing—"'ave you veezeet the Museum? Miee besss re-sair was zairrr."
I said I didn't know which museum he was talking about.
For the next little while, Andre told me....
But did I go? Did not. Never went to Florin, never thought much about it. No, not true, I did think about it but I didn't visit for one reason: I was afraid the place would disappoint me.
My first trip was when Stephen King more or less sent me there when I was researching the first chapter of Buttercup's Baby. (For an explanation, take a look at the intro to the 25 th Anniversary edition, you'll understand a lot more when you've read that—it's included here—along with the actual chapter of Buttercup's Baby, which you'll find at the end of the reprinting of The Princess Bride.
That first trip, I spent several days both in Florin City and the surrounding countryside, ran around like mad, saw an amazing amount of stuff—but the Museum was closed for renovations during my stay.
Figured I'd catch it the next time. Whenever that might turn out to be.
It turned out to be a lot sooner than I thought.
PROBABLY YOU KNOW this, since my name was in the papers all over the world recently. I won the Grandfather of the Year award again. I was so far in front they decided to retire the cup. Some old guy in India claimed I spoiled Willy, but sour grapes as they say.
His tenth biggie was coming up on the outside, a great opportunity for me to go overboard on a present, and I was visiting my son, Jason, and his wife, Peggy, the other night for dinner so I asked for hints. Usually they have lists of stuff. Not this time. They both got weird, muttered, "You'll come up with something," changed the subject.
I knocked on the kid's door, asked to come in. He quietly opened the door, odd, usually he just hollers for me to enter. "Wanted to talk about your birthday," I told him. Here's what you've got to know—Willy's a great receiver. He gets so excited. Even if it's something he picked out himself, when I hand it over, he is so damn great about it.
Now he just said I had been so terrific over the years whatever I wanted was fine. "Don't you have any ideas at all?" I pressed. He didn't, he said. Plus he had this frantic amount of homework to do so did I mind?
I got up to go, sat back down again, because I realized something—he knew exactly what he wanted but for some reason was embarrassed to tell me.
I waited.
Willy sat at his desk in silence. Then he took a breath. Then another. At which point I knew it was coming, so I threw in "Whatever it is, the answer is you're not going to get it."
"Well," my Willy began, the words whizzing out, "ten is a big deal in our family, because ten is what you were when you got sick and your pop read to you and when my pop was ten you gave him the book which is when you realized you had better get to work abridging and well, ten is what I'm gonna be and I'm only gonna be that this one time and ... and..." and he was so embarrassed to go on I pointed to my ear and whispered, "Whisper."
Which is just what he did.
I DON'T WANT to oversell here, but our first morning in Florin City, that miraculous postdawn blink with me wide awake, Willy the Kid snoring in the next bed, was no question a highlight of my life. Me and my one and only grandchild together on the start of his tenth birthday adventure in Morgenstern's hometown. Can't top that.
Willy was wiped out from the trip—Florin Air scored again—so I had to shake him awhile before his eyes opened, he blinked, went "whuh?" several times, then joined the human race.
"Where we off to?" he started, then answered himself. "One Tree Island, right?" I had promised him a helicopter ride there so he could see where Fezzik was invaded, made the incision with the sword, saved Waverly's life. (You should have listened to me earlier when I told you to flip to the back and read the chapter of Buttercup's Baby.)
I shook my head.
"I know I know, don't tell me—the room in the castle where Inigo killed the Count!" He bounded out of bed, started his fencing moves as he said, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to—" and he plunged his sword forward "—DIE."
He loved doing that—he and his friends have contests to see who does it best—and I love that he loves it. But again, I shook my head. "We're definitely taking the tour, just not today."
He gestured for me to continue.
"The Morgenstern Museum opens in a little while, better get ready."
He groaned, climbed back into bed. "Oh Grandpa, please please please, do we have to start with a museum, I hate museums, you know I hate museums."
"You liked the Hall of Fame." I took him up to Cooperstown last summer.
"That's baseball."
"I have to go," I said. "Fair is fair. You knew this trip was planned."
The truth? I was about to tell him to go back to sleep. There was no real reason I couldn't get the introduction to the Museum done alone.
But I said nothing, and thank You up there for that.
THE MORGENSTERN MUSEUM is just left off Florin Square. It's a lovely old mansion, dating from who knows how far back, and by the time we got there Willy was excited again, his usual state, bopping ahead of me on the sidewalk. He held the door open for me, bowed me through—
—then he went "omigod" and stopped dead. Because in front of him, in the center of the stately old room, in a large and beautifully lit glass case, there it was—
—the six-fingered sword.
I knew it was there, Andre had told me about it, he had told me in detail that freezing night in Sheffield—
—but I still was not close to being ready for the impact it had on me. I'd heard of it for so long, asked my father all those decades ago when I was ten, what made it so special, so magical, what could it have looked like?—
—and now there it was. Inigo's father had died for it, Inigo's whole life had been changed because of it, this magical blade, the greatest sword since Excalibur.
Willy took my hand and together we walked toward it and I know it makes no sense, but right then, as I saw it for the very first time, it seemed to be dancing.
"Is it moving?" Willy whispered. "It sure looks like it is."
"I think it's the way they've got it lit. But you're right."
There were a bunch of others surrounding the case, kids, old folks, all kinds, and what was weird was when we looked at it, no one went away, we just kind of went to the next side, looked at the sword from there, then the third, finally the last.
A kid way smaller than Willy whispered in a French accent to a lady who I assume was his mother, "Allo, mon nom est Eenigo Mawn-taw-ya..."
"Sounds way better in English," Willy whispered and I realized something: All around the glass cage I could see children miming the sword, mouthing Morgenstern's words, and I'm not sure when the Museum put up its various exhibits—
—but what a thing it would have been if the great man himself could have seen what I was seeing now.
The next exhibit that took the Kid's head off was a mold of Fezzik's fingers. (Andre went on and on about it—he thought his were the biggest, he told me, till he saw the real thing.) Willy measured with great care. "His thumb is bigger than my whole hand," he announced. I nodded. It was.
Then a whole wall lined with Fezzik's clothes, beautifully pressed. Willy just stared up at where the giant's head would have been, shook his own head in wonder.
Buttercup's wedding dress was next, but it was hard to get up to because of all the girls who were surrounding it.
There was so much to see—an arrow pointed to another room where Count Rugen's life-sucking machine was off by itself—but I was anxious to get to the Curator—Stephen King had written him a letter about my arrival.
The Curator would let me into the place I most needed to get—the Sanctuary, it was called, and it was where Morgenstern's letters and notes were kept. It was not open to the public, scholars only, but that's what I was on this day of days.
I asked a few questions, was directed here, there, then finally we found the Curator—younger than you might think, obviously bright, and behind his eyes there was a genuine sweetness.
He was seated at his desk on the third-floor corner. Book-lined office, no surprise, and as we entered he glanced up, smiled.
"Probably you want the little boys' room," he began. "It's just one door down. Most of my visitors are interested in that."
I smiled, said who I was and that I had come all the way from America to study in the Sanctuary for a while.
"But that's not possible," the Curator replied. "It is open only for work of scholarship."
"William Goldman," I said again. "Stephen King wrote a letter about my coming."
"Mister King is a famous descendent of my country, of that there can be no question, but there is no letter."
(You must know this about me—I can be very paranoid at moments like this. This next is true—when I was a judge at the Cannes Film Festival I was invited to a formal dinner party. It was a big deal for me, my marriage was collapsing, I was going to be alone in the world for the first time since forever, and I got to the party where everyone spoke all kinds of languages, few of them English. There were three round tables set up, fortunately with place cards and when we were told it was time to sit down, I left my place alone in the corner and went whizzing around the first table.
No place card with my name on it.
I zoom to the second table, make my circuit.
No me.
Now as I began the third and last table, my paranoia set in, because I knew there would be no place card with my name on it. I can still see myself breaking into a light sweat as I realized my name would not be there.
Can you imagine anyone so nuts?
Guess what—there was no place card with my name on it at the third table either. Turned out to be a hostess screwup. That is a true story.)
OK, I started to go to pieces. Had I imagined that King would write the letter? No, I had not imagined it, he told me he wanted a really authentic Buttercup's Baby. It was why I had come all this way.
But then I thought, why didn't he just give me the damn note and let me present it personally? (I am now into madness thinking that if I did have the damn note from King and if I had handed it over, the Curator would have handed it back and said that he was not an expert on Stephen King's handwriting, so no, I could not be allowed into the Sanctuary, thank you very much.)
I felt so helpless standing there in front of my beloved I actually started to turn and leave.
Which was when he said it: "Grandpa, it's a mistake, call him up"
I hate cell phones but I'd gotten an international job for the trip, we had called Jason and Peggy on it last night when we got to the hotel.
So I dialed King in Maine, got through, explained the situation. He was great. "Jesus, Bill, I am so sorry, I should have given you the damn note—Florin has the worst mail service in Europe, it'll probably get there next week." (It actually arrived the week after that.) "Is Vonya working today? Let me speak to him."
I think the curator heard his name because he nodded, reached out for the phone. I handed it over and he got up from his desk, walked to the hallway, paced a little where I could hear him saying, "Of course, Mister King" and "I'll do anything to help, Mister King, you may rest assured."
Willy glanced up at me during this, circled his thumb and finger (discreetly, I might add) and in a moment Vonya was back.
He indicated for us to follow him, muttering, "What can I tell you? The mails, you know."
I told him I was just happy it was straightened out.
"It's so embarrassing to me, Mister Goldman. Stephen King told me who you were."
I should have been braced for what was coming, the "were" should have gotten me ready.
Then the killer sentence: "You know, I've read several of your books, I used to be something of a fan, you were a wonderful writer...once."
It shouldn't have hit me so hard. But I know why it did. Because I was afraid it was true. I had done some decent stuff. But that was in the long ago, another country. It's one of the reasons I was so looking forward to immersing myself in Buttercup's Baby. The Princess Bride had made me want to be a novelist. I was hoping that this Morgenstern would help me become a novelist again.
Then Willy was shouting: "He's still wonderful."
"Shh, it's OK," I told him. "It really is." He looked at me and I tried to hide but I know he saw what was behind my eyes.
The evil Vonya led us a few more steps, swung open a door, gestured inside, left us,
Then we were alone in the Sanctuary.
Willy was still steaming. "I hate that guy."
You think I didn't want to hug him for that? But I restrained myself, just muttered, "Time for a little work," started studying the room.
Not particularly big. Thousands of letters, all categorized, family photo albums, each picture with writing beneath, explaining the meaning behind the shots.
The notebooks were what I had hoped for. Morgenstern was known for his meticulous nature but while I was getting my bearings, I studied the photo albums, trying to get a sense of what his life was like while he was in his writing prime.
Then I heard Willy say the most remarkable thing: "Did you know Count Rugen killed Inigo?"
I turned to him. "What are you talking about?"
He pointed to the notebook he had pulled down from a shelf and started reading. "'This morning I woke with the thought that Rugen should indeed kill Inigo. I realize that I lose the "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya" and I would miss that, but if Inigo did die here, then Westley would have to conquer both Humperdinck and Rugen, all this while so recently murdered, and remember please that Westley is your main hero.'"
By this time we were seated at a table, looking at The Princess Bride diary.
Who knew such a thing existed?
What a miracle—I sat there, in Morgenstern's Sanctuary, with my grandson, while memories of my father flooded back, reading to me with his limited English, changing my life forever.
Willy turned the page, started reading again. "'I have decided Inigo must not die. I was up half the night and finally I tried to write the scene where he kills Rugen, saying that line over and over until finally he cries "I want my father back you son of a bitch"—
—and when I wrote those words I realized what I wanted most on earth that I cannot have is my own father back—
—so Inigo will triumph and live and Westley will have to be content in just besting Humperdinck."'
Willy looked up from the diary. "Wow—he almost screwed up his own book."
I nodded, thinking back, wondering if I had ever had those kinds of thoughts. I remember I hated killing Butch and Sundance, but I had to, because in real life they had gone the way I wrote it, and I couldn't change history, just for a happy ending.
But now here he was, Morgenstern, the man who had so much to do with my life, doing the first thing I ever disapproved of—he was contemplating changing history—and that bothered me.
Look, it has been hundreds of years since Florin was a European power. But it mattered once, as all truth matters. If you read books on their history, as I have, you know that yes, there was a Vizzini, though it has never been proved to most academicians' satisfaction that he was a hunchback. One leg shorter, yes, that we know. Sicilian, yes, that we know.
And yes, he hired Fezzik and Inigo. And Fezzik set records, some of them still remarkable, in the world of Turkish wrestling. And Inigo Montoya is still thought of as being the greatest fencer in history. Read any book on the art of the steel.
OK. Vizzini hired them, you know why, they didn't succeed, the man in black stopped them, Buttercup lived. Now to the crucial point—Inigo killed Count Rugen. That is Florinese history. I was in the room where the evil noble died. (There is, again, dispute among experts, on just where in the room the death took place. I don't care personally if he was near the billiard table in a distant corner.)
But you cannot reverse history for the sake of your story and have Inigo die like that, die a failure, after all he had gone through to revenge his father.
"Skip around," I said to my companion. "What's the next main thing he talks about?"
Willy went on another couple of pages, stopped, groaned. "Shakespeare," he said. "Do I have to?"
I gestured for him to continue with Morgenstern.
"'I was pacing most of the night. Thinking of when I was a child and my father took me to Denmark, to Elsinore Castle. And told me that right here, within these walls, was where the greatest drama of all took place. Hamlet. (In the Icelandic saga, his name was Amleth.) And went on to explain how his uncle murdered his father by poison, later married his mother, and how I would love to read that when I was a bit more wise.
"And Shakespeare used that bit of history, made it great, but he did not basically alter it for his needs. He did not, for example, have Hamlet die a failure.
"As I almost did having Inigo lose to the evil Rugen.
"'Shame on me for almost doing that. Inigo deserves his place in our history. Westley is the greatest hero we have. I must not cheapen his triumphs.
"'I pledge to take greater care in the future.'"
YOU WILL NEVER know how much better I felt at that moment.
THEN SUDDENLY, AMAZINGLY, it was lunchtime. We'd been sitting there for over two hours, slowly turning the pages of the journal, didn't get even a tenth of the way through.
"I wish we could take it to the hotel," Willy said. But he knew that was impossible—there were signs on the walls saying sternly in any number of languages that nothing could be removed from the room, and there were no exceptions.
"You didn't see a Buttercup's Baby journal?" I asked. "I didn't."
He shook his head. "There weren't that many journals. Maybe he didn't write one." He went to the Journal shelf, put The Princess Bride back.
"Maybe I'll ask Vonya, he could have it in his desk or something."
"Grandpa, I don't think that's very smart."
"One little question, how can that hurt?"
Now he gave me a look, Willy the Kid did.
"What?"
"Don't talk to that guy, don't give him a chance to say anything else to you."
He was right. We left the Sanctuary, left the Museum, started to find a place to eat but it was chilly and Willy had worn a jacket, but he'd left his heaviest coat back in the room and he wanted to go there, so we did.
I lay down on my bed while Willy, still with his jacket on, went to the bathroom, came out after a long while, went into the living room part of the suite, puttered around a minute, then called out to me.
"Grandpa?"
"Whoever could you be referring to?" He never liked it when I was childish.
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk."
"Grandpa what?"
"What would you think of a giant bird?" Then he was in the doorway. "Remember at the end of that chapter in Buttercup's Baby when Fezzik is falling to his doom holding Waverly? Well, what would you think if a giant talking bird flew underneath and saved them?"
"A talking bird? Oh please. Maybe historians aren't sure how Fezzik survived, but I know Morgenstern would never stoop to something that idiotic. I mean, why don't the rocks at the bottom turn out to be rubber so Fezzik could just bounce around awhile and save them that way? That would make just as much sense."
"Yeah, Mister Smart Guy?" He darted out of sight for a moment, then was back, reading. "'I wish I had thought about how I was going to save Fezzik before he dove off the cliff. He could have just reached out and grabbed Waverly at the last minute. Why do I get myself in these situations? It's my Hamlet problem all over again. How much can the truth be manipulated in the name of art?'" Now Willy turned the page. "'I think my basic problem with Fezzik's rescue is I personally have trouble dealing with the existence of the giant bird. Even though I have seen the skeleton, even though our greatest scientists assure me that it did patrol our skies, still I feel the legendary rescue smacks of coincidence. Who knows how I will eventually solve the problem.'"
I was out of bed before he finished, stared at what he was reading from. I knew at that moment what he had done, tucked it inside his jacket, and I knew why he had done it, so I could have this gift and not get insulted again, and I knew we would return it in a few hours and no one would know it had been gone.
I carefully took it from him, glanced through, saw I would learn about Westley's childhood before he became the Farm Boy, and Fezzik's great love affair, and Inigo's heartbreak and Buttercup's nightmares that started coming true and Miracle Max's memory problems, and the hungriest monster in the sea who discovers that humans, tasty humans are living on One Tree Island.
I held Buttercup's Journal in my hands. What a thing.
Now all I had to do was turn the page....
***
AND IF YOU, dear reader, as we used to say, turn the page, what befalls you?
Only the introduction to the 25 th Anniversary edition, which you've hopefully glanced at already. Followed by my "good parts" version of The Princess Bride and the one and only finished, abridged chapter of Buttercup's Baby. But do not, please, despair.
I have never worked harder than I have these past days, sometimes alone, sometimes with the wonder child who is nuttier for me to complete my research and finish the book than you are.
I don't make promises anymore. But I make this promise to you (the same one I made to Willy when I took him to Fezzik's grave. Andre had gone years before. More work on his char, he told me): before the (ugh) 50th Anniversary edition comes into existence, Buttercup's Baby will be yours.
Hoping, in advance, that you like it ... and if you don't, don't tell me....
